He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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