12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Randomize
