I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
