Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
