onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
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I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
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