dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
