My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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