Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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