I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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