WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
