I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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