her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize