4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
