I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
