i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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