Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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