I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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