I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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