There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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