THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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