WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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