So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
