Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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