if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
