mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
