so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
