Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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