the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
