no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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