i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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