When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
