6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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