who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
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