She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
