I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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