So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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