Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
