The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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