Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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