so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
