Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
