i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
