Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
