just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
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