I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Randomize
