Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
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