Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
