i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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