You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I could fuck to npr.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
