What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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