Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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