you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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