Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
