well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
