i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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