So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
