Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
